


Things you said

by Footballsucks



Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: ALL OF IT, Angst, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-22
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-08-27 17:50:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16707145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Footballsucks/pseuds/Footballsucks
Summary: Writing based off the prompt " things you said ....."





	1. Things you said at 1am

It wasn't planned one bit, but what else can you expect from Neymar himself? Team bonding is all Neymar would say with a grin. Anyone else would have disapproved at going on a run close to 1am. And yet he managed to wrangle half the team outside. 

Imagine looking outside at an ungodly hour of the night to see PSG players sprinting down the side walk. Must have been a site for anyone to see. And yet with his lungs burning and his smile permanent on his face he didn't seem to mind. Nobody did. Everyone having too much fun to sense the coldness in the air. As Neymar could make any event much more fun than it could be. 

It wasn't till Thomas almost fell on Marco did the group decide to let the night rest. They all walked back to their homes being pretty close together. Everyone left with hugs and kisses on the cheeks. And just like that it was left with just Neymar and Kylian.

Not a surprising site it always seems like their always the last together. One never alone in their journey. Kylian didn't have to ask to know he was following Neymar at this point. They walked in peaceful almost normal silence to Neymar's house.

Kylian was meet with the warmness of the house and he let out a pleasant sigh. He slipped off his jacket as he followed Neymar to his room. The two men both stripped to thier underwear before jumping into the bed. Neymar already all too well known by Paris mattress owners.

And unlike most thinking their was nothing sexual to it. Not now anyway its much too early and awkward for that just yet.  
" Do you think we'll win the ucl this year?" 

Kylian asks as he slips under the covers and closes his eyes for a minute. Rethinking all the events that happened today and enjoying the calmness for once. He flips over to look at Neymar who was already looking right at him. 

Neymar had a habit of starring but Kylian found it more endearing than anything. His face holds no judgment or cruelness towards anyone.

" Nope" 

But that does take Kylian by surprise as he sees Neymar make no change in emotions. Just a clear cut no and for a moment Kylian thinks he heard wrong. He wants to ask again but something tells him he probably shouldn't bother. 

Maybe Neymar knows something he doesn't quite just yet. Neymar always seems to be three steps ahead of everyone in a good way or a bad way is up for you to decide. 

" At least have some hope in us" 

Kylian answers somewhat frustrated and still processing the words. He didn't understand why Neymar was thinking like that. After all you would expect the opposite from the man who can never stop smiling. 

" It doesn't matter, Kylian we have a billion years to win anything we want" 

Neymar answers bringing his hand close to touch the side of Kylians face. An all too friendly and common gesture used between the duo. It reminded Kylian that it's Neymar, the loveable goof. The one who can do whatever he put his mind too. And suddenly it did make some sense. 

It also reassured him that Neymar wouldn't be leaving for a while. Kylian had heard Neymar comment about not leaving but he never took it to heart except for now. The simple statement provides him with safety and a future with the other man. A new friendship that should stay for as long as it could. 

" Why can't we win this year?" 

Kylian asks into the open air as he moves closer to Neymar. The closeness always does well for the both of them. Neither not opened to being cold or silent to anyone nonetheless each other. Both men appreciated showing emotions and more importantly love. 

It seems the two arriving at almost the same time provided the both of them with a sense of friendship. Getting along quick they did it seemed as though they were attached to the hip. 

" Everything is too new, were all still rough and awkward with each other. Give It some time." 

Neymar answered as he lightly pressed his forehear against the other. And suddenly Kylian wandered who had taught Neymar those words. He could feel the emotion on them as they lingered in the air. Who had to teach Neymar about the heart about Football that he would pass in to Kylian? Who had spent nights with Neymar making sure he understood? 

Kylian couldn't muster up the courage to ask just yet. Maybe later after a ucl final with emotions running high he'll ask. And maybe Neymar will grin at him and tell him the story about when he himself was new and learning. 

" When you say it like that it makes more sense" 

Time goes a lot slower when you're with someone you love. Kylian notices as for a minute they both are quiet. Forehead to forehead so close that Kylian can still smell the mint off Neymar's breath. Kylian really wouldn't mind it being like this a lot more. He wonders if it'll always be this way. It doesn't matter he decides as he smiles and drifts off to sleep.


	2. Things you said through gritted teeth

" Its not fucking fair"   
Neymar spatted out as he walked through the lockeroom. The lockeroom itself much too quiet with hearing Neymar's outburst. The air was tense and even the tallest or strongest player could calm him down. 

Neymar known as an emotional player, either it be with happiness, sadness or anger. He seems to have it all on the field sometimes providing for a heart filled time and others leading emotions. And Kylian wouldn't lie he followed suit in the older man's ways. 

Some say Neymar rubbed off on him, but Neymar just made it easier for Kylian to let his emotions loose. Kylian has always been like this it just took Kylian to watch a teary eyed Neymar scoring a goal for him to let loose. Being that vulnerable is hard sometimes especially now. 

It wasn't even a bad game, they had won 5-0 as usual. You couldn't expect much less from the lads themselves. With Angel scoring one, Neymar scoring two, Kylian himself with one and Julian with another. It seemed like another typical match. But as always something had to happen to miss up the moment. 

It can never be too peaceful at a club like PSG after all. Trouble is bound to happen and there always is. Kylian can admit he did screw up he should have waitied. There had only been a few minutes left in the clock. As Neymar does he does as well and after a rather harsh tackle from a defender he snapped. He went face to face with the poor defender and shoved him up a bit. 

He felt Neymar's hands around his chest pulling him away but it was much too late. Out of the corner of his eye he could see the red card and became boneless in Neymar's arms. Neymar sighed and Kylian could hear the frustration as he hesitantly finally let go of Kylian. Kylian gave him him one last look and a half smile before walking off.

Already a red card for the start of the season. 

What Kylian didn't know what happened next is that Neymar argued with the ref himself. And then as well got a red card to join with Kylian's. After all best friends do have to do everything together. What a weird and tasteless twist of faith. So there they were Neymar steaming with anger while all Kylian could do was attempt to comfort him. He seemed more angry at the ref than Kylian did at him. 

It seems like Neymar was trying to be angry for the both of them. 

" Neymar-"   
Kylian started still not knowing what to say but knowing he had to say something. He noticed his fellow teammates leaving the lockeroom knowing when to give the two some room to talk. Kylian internally thanked Thiago for leading everyone out. 

Back to Neymar, he seemed to be storming now pacing back and forth. Looking more like an angry puppy than anything else. It gave Kylian a sort of emotion to fix all of Neymar's anger. He'd take on Neymar's red card if it meant seeing the ither man happy again. 

" Its not Kylian" 

Neymar is pacing faster and Kylian can already see he's getting even more angry. He makes a quick choice and stalks over to Neymar embracing him. Time stops for a minute and the air is too thick. Its hard to breath for a minute and then Neymar stops. His breathing calms down and he leans into Kylian's touch. Almost as if it was another sappy movie trope. 

 

" I know its not, but you need to calm down" 

Kylian mutters as he finally lets go of Neymar. Instead of Neymar walking off he leans back into Kylian's touch again and hides his face in his neck. A almost child like action by the other man. Sometimes Kylian forgets Neymar is still young too.

And through gritted teeth Neymar answers, 

" I know I just don't want you to be played in your chances" 

Kylian can taste the bitterness in his voice and he wants it all to go away. He wants Neymar to never have to feel whatever way that has lead him to act like this. No, he wants to give Neymar that peace. 

No, more gritted teeth and pain, he wants more smiles and playful touches. 

He holds Neymar closer because that's all he can simply do.


	3. Things you said too quietly

" We did it?"  
Kylian asked looking at Neymar already knowing the answer as the shorter man came into the room with a champagne bottle. Not to anyone's surprise the two of them had wandered back home after a long celebration with the team. After all scoring a goal and knowing you won't be knocked out of the ucl this early is a blessing. Especially since Neymar had scored, it made the whole thing sweeter. 

So after a drunken kiss on the cheeks from other teammates like Juan and Marco. " You sure you don't wanna stayyyy" Marco slurred as he clung to Juan who was laugh and talking in spanish. Nobody really knew spanish but they laughed along anyway. Because at that moment no langauge could divide them. Kylian could only laugh and nodd as he watched Juan hand Marco his glass of beer before running to the bathroom. Typical. While the more mature teammates like Gigi and Thiago gave them a smile. " Do you need a taxi?" Thiago asked getting away from Marquinhos death grip to make sure the duo were okay. Kylian wasn't so sure what was going on between the two defenders. But that's a story for another time as Thiago was ushered away by a winning Marquinhos. Instead Gigi appeared taking his place. He muttered some words to him in Italian before kissing his forehead and Neymar's then proceeded to walk off to find Marco. Although the men had madr an effort to teach Gigi French and to learn italian. It mostly got down to pointing and hugs Kylian could even hear Angel and Cavani playfully arguing in Spanish near the end of the house. They had all agreed to meet up tomorrow for a bigger celebration. After all how can you not celebrate something like this. Imagine how its going to be when they finally win it all. 

They made there way home, Neymar's house. It was starting to look more like Kylian's house now. With clothes on the table since breakfast as Kylian has a nasty habit of dressing and eating as quickly as he could. Neymar happily developed the habit as well. Kylian could already spot Neymar's expansive clothing draped on the kitchen table as if nothing.

One small quirk but it seemed a lot more home like for Kylian. He watched curiously as Neymar took a large sip before answering him. His lips perfectly around the bottle as if nothing and his eyes filled with happiness as he yanks Kylian with him. He drags him to the living room as they flop on the couch in a weird angle. With Neymar half on top of Kylian. 

" We did it"  
And for a moment It was quiet only the struggle Neymar had to bring the champagne to his lips. Almost hitting Kylian straight in the face as he chugged some down. He then let drop on the floor before wildly grinning at Kylian. Already high off the thrill and wonder from today and for the future. Kylian hopes it can always be this way. Or at least he can count on it to be like this for today. 

It was silent as Neymar placed his head on Kylian's chest. And Kylian couldn't help but run his fingers through Neymar's hair. One of the few times Neymar will actually allow it. He wonders if he'll ever get sick of the new haircuts every week. But he never does. Not even when he shows up with the most god awful hair cut. 

Kylian seemed so deep into thought about the older man that he didn't notice the other. He finally snapped out of it when he heard light snores from Neymar, his hands carefully placed under Kylian's head. While the rest of his body is basically on top of Kylian. And still he had yet to mind the whole thing. After all Neymar is quite the skinny one. Kylian defended himself with that. He reached to the floor to grab a blanket and placed it carefully on Neymar as he himself settled into a comfy position. Well as comfy as it gets with having Neymar on you. 

He even feels himself get drowsy before he hears rough voice. 

" Kylian, never leave me"  
He says quietly almost too quietly that if he had been moving he would have missed it. Kylian stays still and silent for a moment as his hand lightly brushes Neymar's cheek. Oh how the roles change from time to time. Sometimes it feels like Kylian is older than Neymar. With yhe other mans perfect teeth, up to date fashion and hair, enthusiasm and perfect personality. 

Almost like a dream and yet real enough to be Neymar. 

His voice sounded so quiet and so on pain. For a moment Kylian wondered if he would start crying or if he is crying. He swore he never wanted to hear that voice ever again. 

" I wouldn't dream of it"


	4. Things you didn't say at all

If someone had told Kylian today would be the day. He would have laughed not the laugh where he'll lean over near you and laugh. No but the laugh where he'll snicker and move on. Today is going to be the say when emotions are finally connected into feelings. Kylian somewhat could tell their friendship was gonna change at one point. But when he had thought of this he thought of brothers or best friends or maybe even competitors. 

No, he could have never guessed something like this. And yet through all the chaos it doesn't seem wrong either. That's what gets Kylian, it doesn't seem or feels wrong. Much the opposite it was if God was waiting for them. Waiting for them to finally realize it and have something new. Both the last and first person he'd expect for it to be. 

He wonders if Neymar is thinking the same thing. 

The day was normal enough, just like any other day. Tuchel had given them the day to do whatever thanks to the win against liverpool. The match still running in their veins even days after. One match that would never really leave anybody. It was a match to prove themselves and that they did. Kylian had slept over at Neymar's house as per usual. 

He woke up too Neymar cursing in the kitchen and a loud radio. 

He knew from the first word it was a portugeese song. Kylian should be honest, he doesn't know much portugeese but whenever Neymar plays or speaks it. It makes him wanna know it so much more. He wants to know the connected and deeper feeling to it. He wants to know it. The thought of seeing Neymar's face light up when he does finally learn it also cheers him on. 

Marquinhos in his free time has made it his job to attempt to teach Kylian. It usually just ends up with the two playing FIFA except in portugeese. Kylian now leading quite a few curse words and football slang in Portuguese. Step by step.

He rubs his eyes and makes his way to Neymar. Hoping he hadn't done anything stupid just yet. After all the whole day was in front of them. He wouldn't want to start the day by calling Thiago over. Instead of seeing a fire or a cloud a smoke he saw Neymar awkwardly grinning back at him. His lower lip covered in chocolate while the rest of his body sesmed to be in a mixture of flour and other cooking ingredients. 

The awkward grin made Kylian briefly take a deep breath. Sometimes the sense of home takes over so much you have to take a breather. Because this is simply what it is, Home. Somewhere he can come home to and a place where the house invites him in too. Something that's new almost too raw with emotions to be described. And yet here it is an awkward standing Neymar covered in ingredients trying to find his words. 

A person almost nobody gets to see Neymar. This is it, this is as close as you get to the real Neymar. The same cheeky boy who would run around the world for his sister. Once lost in the city of barcalona now found again in Paris. Now embraced by everyone around him. It can't get any better than this. 

And yet here they are both standing near each other. Neymar turns our for a spilt minute to grab something. He turns back around and is holding chocolate creeps, a personal favorite of Kylian. Usually not eaten much anymore due to the harsh diet this season. But after all eating it once can't hurt. Or maybe It can but it didn't matter at the moment because all Kylian could think about is his heart. 

Neymar held the plate out with both hands his cheeks sparkled with blush. Still the same crooked grin on his face as he waited for Kylian's reaction to it. Kylian finally seemed to snap out of it as he carefully walked forward as if he was walking in egg shells. His body already filled with love and nervousness? Almost as if his body was expecting something he wasn't. 

And as he grabbed one and took a bite he looked up at Neymar. And Kylian is proud to say that's the third time Neymar changed everything for him. The first time was meeting him, second time was being friends with him and finally this. His eyes fluttered shut for a minute. Not sure how to take in the new feelings. Because after all this name he finally figured out Neymar isn't his brother or his teammate, Neymar's his crush. 

Neymar grinned at him even wilder as he saw Kylian's expression. Kylian just shyly smiled back as he wrapped one arm around Neymar's waist and pulled him towards the living room. The two ate in silence as Neymar had his head on Kylian's shoulder. 

Nobody had told Kylian that the day everything changed would come this soon. And yet he didn't seem to mind this change all too much.


	5. Things you said over the phone

Kylian to say the least was exhausted, Tuchel had held some of the players back for extra training. To quote him " We need more goals and less posts on Instagram." It just made the situation more ironic when Neymar got to leave. And to quote the germany coach " Neymar scores fantastic goals and posts on Instagram." If It weren't for the fact he was tired he would think his coach had picked favorites already. But none the less he had stayed back and trained his ass off to get Tuchel off his back. 

Along side him training was Angel, Adrien, Timothy, Dani and last but not least Marco. An odd mixture to say the least but Kylian didn't mind as it didn't matter who you know best, friendship comes easy for all of them. He had sticked to Dani and Marco for most of the rest of the group loomed in from time to time. Angel sticked to Adrien while Marco kept Timothy near the group. Poor boy didn't know much French, came from America too. His best memory of timothy is when Juan told him his French was pretty good and he didn't stop smiling all day. 

Kylian wonders if Timothy will stay a while, he hopes so. 

From what Kylian could tell Tuchel had kept Adrien here as a last chance effort to make him stay. Kylian wasn't so sure about that, Adrien looked pretty happy but whenever he walked out of training it seemed like he was a totally new person. Seeming totally out of anything really PSG related even at times ignoring his teammates. One of Adrien's bad quirks Kylian would even go as far to say. Its as if saying PSG would be branded on his forehead.  Or maybe just maybe it was time to let Adrien go. That left his mouth tasting bitter sweet till the practice session was over. 

Then there was Dani, he's one of a kind truly. Whenever Kylian thinks of him he wonders just how much he's rubbed off on Neymar. He's funny and yet everyone respects him and he's older than most and yet you can't till the difference when hes running. Dani is like a walking prove it all type of man. A man anybody would be lucky enough to be or be around. Whenever Kylian gets the pleaure of being near him he's always rambling about Neymar or his past clubs. His face doesn't hurt when he talks about last clubs instead it reads of something almost like remembrance. He hopes he'll be able to look at PSG like that one day.

Then there's Angel, an actual angel Kylian would even say. If Kylian had to describe him well it would be that he's skinny and scrawny and can run. He's been everywhere club wise too, he has a deep love for this club the most. He seems to really enjoy it, sometimes its hard to recognise Angel has been here for so long. It always makes Kylian laugh when Angel still gives him an odd look when he speaks French. The other man still not quite grasping it yet even years later. When asked about it Angel will just smile and simply say " I'm practicing" in broken French. The best example of a work in progress you could possibly find. 

And last but not least once again is Marco, being one of the shortest players here. Kylian gotta give it to him for being able to handle all the heat he gets for being merely 5"5. The man can defend though, nobody can argue that and with his high energy and enthusiasm it worked well for him. He's like a bolt of sunshine that no one really notices till he's gone. Kylian would even say he makes things a lot brighter. Both on the field and off the field. Anyone who knows Marco knows he deserves so much praise and Marco himself would agree of course after shoving you in the shoulder. 

All of them combinded made the extra training a whole lot easier. As Marco cracking jokes at Angel and Adrien's expansive whenever they would join the chat. Timothy sometimes adding phrases in French he knew while Dani at all times was physically touching someone. And somehow along the lines it felt more like a family each time Angel would crack a small smile at Marco's joke. Almost like seeing someone else happy made everyone happy as well. The PSG effect Kylian could hear Neymar calling it already. 

Neymar. 

Neymar had given a frown as Tuchel held him back from practice. But Kylian simply smiled at him and waved as the man was forced to leave with a bouncing Marquinhos. The man might only be a few years older than Kylian but he still had way more energy than he did. He wonders what they're doing at the moment. His face scrunched up at the first thought that came inside of his head. He decided to ignore that one almost grossing himself out with the thought. Instead hurrying to get himself dresses and able to go home. He manages to see the last three players throwing towels at each other and laughing. He loudly announces he's leaving and in return gets shouts and goodbyes. Home. 

As he drives home his thoughts still wonder to Neymar. He wonders what will happen between the two. He knows things aren't the same after last week emotional morning. But he doesn't quite know what they are weirdly enough. He just knows they aren't just friends as he had once thought. He wonders if they'll just have to keep going like this for the rest of their careers. The thought makes Kylian annoyed as he really hopes it won't be like that. The only thing that had really changed is that Neymar is much more clingy with him and they're much closer emotionally and physically. From kisses on the cheek to getting Kylian's favorite snack everyday. It seems a lot more than friendship each day. 

And even outside Neymar it seems a lot more then friendship. The weird thing is, well the sun has started reminding Kylian of Neymar. And the stars remind him of Neymar and that one rose that's been at the market for only an hour reminds Kylian of Neymar. Even the stupid Barcelona chain Neymar stuck in his car reminds Kylian of Neymar. It seems like a cruel joke sometimes when he's not around him. It almost seems like at times that he can't be his full 100% without Neymar. Its stupid and sounds right out of a romance movie but there's a reason its a cliche after all. 

Kylian wonders if Neymar is thinking about him the same. And that's how Kylian knew he should probably shut his thoughts up and drive home. And When he meant drive home he means driving to Neymar's house. That's where all his clothes, favorite jersey and Neymar are. He mentally slaps himself for being so sappy and mentally thanks himself for being able to connect so deeply with Neymar. Kylian isn't sure if Neymar has had this type of relationship with anyone but he doesn't linger too much on the thought as he doesn't have to worry about that. Not anymore. 

He's glad to finally home especially to see Neymar and to get some rest. Extra training in fact did not do him well much to his dissapointment. He was only really a few steps in before he heard a voice, no two voices. He didn't react at first till he heard the voices again. He was certain one was Neymar and he wasn't close enough to determine whom the other one is. He really shouldn't snoop but at the same time curiosity really is a bitch. He winces at every harsh footsteps as he tries to be as quiet as possible. He wonders briefly how his life has come to this. All for one man, no not even a man a boy. Kylian decides bitterly as he stops his spying and gets up. 

He sighs as he moves up stairs to their room. But before he can enter he finally finds Neymar in they're bedroom. He looked so much at peace, weirdly enough. He was in his PSG kit shorts and running a hand through his hair quickly. His smile was short but there none the less and he was leaning back against the fellow pillows. He's leaning on Kylian's side of the bed and Kylian wonders if this is a sign for anything. He doesn't get to think for much longer as Neymar is already chatting it up as always. Its always just as precious as any other day. 

" I don't know Thiago, it's just different. I know I've said that before but I think its real this time."   
Neymar muttered as he twirlled his finger in his blonde hair. His smacking of his lips almost seemed stereotypical at the moment. They were shiny as always almost as if Neymar had been biting and licking at his own lips for a while. A habit Kylian would say not really a bad one per say. Kylian mentally wanted to punch himself for even thinking like Neymar like that. It was rare that the lucid thoughts would happen but they always made him feel so ashamed. 

 

Before completely settling in his embarrassment he could hear the faint sound of Thiago's voice. He wonders how many convos he's had with Neymar over random thoughts that popped in his head. Kylian would strongly claim that Neymar is one of Thiago's favorite. Maybe its because Neymar tries his best to make sure Thiago gets the most he can possibly have. Or maybe its because Neymar is so soft and childish with Thiago. Kylian still isn't quite sure with their friendship. But he can safely say its nothing close to romantic. It would be a complete destruction to say Thiago and Neymar are anything other than brothers. 

Sure you could hear the slight snickers when Thiago holds Neymar close to him. But everyone knows there's nothing more to it than just that. And you might be wondering, why isn't Kylian jealous at this? 

Because when you love someone, you learn that they aren't just gonna love you. They will love their sister's, brothers friends and strangers. Just like how they'll love the coffee shop down the road or that one football team. They love you but they love other things too. And Thiago is simply another person Neymar loves. No need for jealously when you know Neymar will always be looking for Kylian.

" I just really love him,, almost too much. Its kinda scary Thiago, I didn't think I would love Kylian this much"   
Neymar replied now anxiously tapping his thigh. He was biting harder on his bottom lip as he waitied for Thiago to form his answer. And in that short amount of time Kylian felt the silliest he's ever felt in a while and he could almost start laughing at the situation. It was so cliche and so romantic and so not for him. He's seen the romance movies or stories from friends about love. He knows its real but he never quite knew it would happen to him. He didnt quite know it would feel this soft and light. He didn't expect it from one of his best friends. 

When does a love story become more than just a cliche? Right now would be the right place of the cliche to end. And yet it didn't, Neymar was there blushing and acting as anxious as he's ever been talking about Kylian. Simple 19 year old Kylian that has never known love or life till the last year or so. He's never seen this part of himself and it almost scares him. 

They had both been walking around each other just for the other to love the other back. He wonders how much sooner it would have been if he had just kissed Neymar already. And then he wonders why he's not doing it right now. When you're 19, you're young and you don't think about a lot of things. But Kylian can say this is the first time he's felt old and thought through everything. Especially when he smashs his lips against Neymar and sees the shock and then love filled eyes. He sees how much love he has in his small little body and wonders and so wonders. 

Maybe he's ready to experience this. 

Next thing he knows they're laughing and hugging and kissing all at once. Neymar is trying to end his phone call while shouting words at both Kylian and Thiago. He's yelling while kissing stupidly at Kylian, multitasking. 

Maybe everyone is wrong maybe love doesn't have to hurt.


	6. Things you wish you could have told me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi sorry guys this is more of a vent chapter then anything but I decided to post it anyway

It built up. And Kylian can say he takes a fair share of the blame for not noticing. Hell no one noticed and that made the situation all much worse. Kylian never saw it coming not when Neymar would start coming to practice less. Not when Neymar started training on his own. Not even when Neymar started to live all on his own in the locked extra room. 

He didn't notice. 

He curses himself every minute for not seeing it. For not seeing the once playful eyes now struck with never ending pain. He beats himself up over the fact he couldn't see that the one person who that loved him through it all was so alone. Alone on his own and alone thinking that no one was there even when they were. Kylian can't look at himself in the mirror knowing he was around Neymar all the time and he still felt alone. Alone in this cruel and bitter world. A world that prays on the weak and talented. 

He should have listened more, he should have asked more and more importantly he should have loved him more. He wonders if Neymar still loves him. Selfish but he still wonders. He keeps pitying himself when Its Neymar who's hurt.

"How could he want to go if he's got everything?" Even in this awful situation Kylian heard those uncaring words. And his lips curled into a frown as he bites his lip back from saying anything. Neymar wouldn't want him to say anything not right now. He knows what they're hinting at and he knows its not true. He should open his mouth or punch them right in the jaw. But that's not what Neymar needs right now. So he keeps walking and on to the training pitch. Its sunny. 

Its almost mocking how bright and sunny it is. Its a big fuck you to Kylian and he hates It. He pulls his hoodie over his head and walks to join his teammates. They're in a much more calm mood without the bouncing Neymar. He wonders if they know where Neymar is. He wonders himself if he himself even knows where Neymar is. 

Its cruel for such a pretty day to have such a heavy events happening within it. Neymar should be kicking the ball past Marquinhos right now. Instead Marquinhos is softly talking to Thiago about his weekend. He shares a glance at Thiago and something tells him Thiago knows. 

Thiago frowns at him before turning to face Marquinhos again. If Thiago blaming him for Neymar's sadness? Is he not enough for Neymar? Does Thiago not think he's enough for him? 

Will it always be like this? 

He spends practice alone and its relatively calm. He hates calm he'd prefer sadness or anger to calmness. Its so eerily in a club like PSG. Its a club with emotions both good and bad. Its what makss the club what it is and having such an aspect gone it feels lonely. Almost broken wise. A club can only live like this for so long. 

He already misses him. 

He excuses himself and Tuchel gives him a sympathetic look before nodding. He runs to the locker room, he checks his phone nothing. He takes his shorts off, checks his phone and nothing. He's splashing water in his face, he checks his phone moments after and nothing. He's putting up his shoes and he turns on the sound for his phone and nothing. 

He feels alone. He feels like what Neymar must be feeling.


	7. Things you said under the moon

" I've missed you"   
Kylian mumbled softly as he finally looked up to see Neymar. The man himself looked like a mess even worse than usual. His hair was drained of almost all the blonde hair, his face was pale with only the bags under his eyes a sign of life along with stuttering response and avoiding eyes. Even under only the moon light you can see all of his pain clearly. A truly terrifying sight to see anyone in especially Neymar. Cheerful Neymar. The same Neymar that could sleep for one hour and be up to party the next. 

Now so life less and dead for the most part. Kylian doesn't know if he should blame it on the media, the 'fans' or himself. He knows all too well it isn't that easy to blame it on one single thing. He just wishes it was easy to point to someone and blame it on them. To make some sense of why the man he has grown to love can't stand being around anymore. How much has he fallen out of love with the world in such a short time? 

How long has everyone been ignoring this? Did it even matter right now? 

It all seems to drift from his mind as Neymar looks up at him. They're outside in Neymar's backyard a few feet from the house. If Kylian is silent enough he can hear Davi's laugh as he runs after him only months prior or Neymar giggling as he kicks a football. The memories still still and fresh in his memory. 

Neymar seems a little less sad but still he can only form a small half smile at him. Kylian takes It as a small victory and something to build on. After Neymar's latest injuries he's been more and more upset. Almost to the brink that Kylian wonders if he still wants to play football. The media doesn't help with that either and Kylian knows that all too well. 

He wonders when people will start laughing and making him the butt of jokes. He wonders when everyone will turn on him just for the fun of it. He wonders when everyone will hate him. 

" Mm missed you too"   
Neymar more than anything hummed back as he layed down on the cool grass. His eyes scrunched up close as if he hadn't been sleeping. Which wouldn't surprise Kylian all that much at this point. He even hears the man give out a faint yawn before stretching his arms out into the sky. As if the sky itself could lift him up and take him away. 

Its the most calming thing that's happened in the past week. Kylian has to take a step back and lay there with Neymar. He wants to be there when Neymar is at peace. He wants to be the one he remembers. The moon's out but it still manages to be pretty dark and yet it fits the situation. A bitter situation with a small positive outcome. 

" It wasn't always like this"   
Neymar mumbled after his other words for a minute Kylian was afraid he had fallen asleep. But the man was turned to look at him and for a minute Kylian felt closer to Neymar even for just a second. 

Kylian really didn't have to ask to know what he was referring too. Neymar didn't talk about his past club unless it was Dani bringing something up. From what Kylian can gather its a rather sensitive topic even now. Years later it seems to have left Neymar insecure about everything he does. He wants to prove himself worthy when really he only has to prove it to himself. 

He could win a Ballon d'or, Champions League and the World Cup but he'd never be able to please the past fans or anyone for that matter. Anyone who has ever made fun of him won't change. He just wihses Neymar could see that. See that its okay that they don't like him and that its okay to move on. 

Its okay to finally move on from that part of his life. 

But what Neymar said next seemed to be comforting in a different way than expected. Neymar pulled Kylian close to him and gave him a peck on the lips before going on.

" They said I'd be the next Messi and Ronaldo. But I'm not Messi or Ronaldo I'm Neymar. I'm Brazilian, im a child, I fuck up and I love Kylian Mbappé and maybe that's enough." 

 

Yeah maybe that is enough. Enough for Kylian to laugh and pull Neymar closer to him. Enough for the two to head inside and hug each other in bed. Enough for the world to be okay just for today.


	8. Things you said i wouldn't understand

It was ugly. The best way anyone could really describe it. The Christmas break as a blessing for everyone but mostly for Neymar. It was obvious something had been bothering the man near the last week before Christmas break. From his rough sliding to get the ball away from Thilo or the passive aggressive comments he'd make at Edison. Even more passive aggressive then usual for Neymar. 

It had everyone at first a bit pissed but then as the week went by a little worried. The man's temper tantrum never lasted this long unless its huge. Discount the time he got mad at Angel and Kylian for leaving his cleats outside. He wouldn't talk to them for three days after that. So after four days of Neymar stomping around and being unusually quiet. Everyone knew something was up. 

Kylian of course was sent off to figure it out. At first he thought of maybe asking Thiago what's up with Neymar. But the man seemed just as uneased and unknowledge as he did. And as hope would have it, Kylian decided to figure out what was wrong. It didn't take him very long to find out what exactly has been bugging the older man.

It was at practice as usual, Neymar drifting from different groups but his lips kept the same frown. Such an unusual site to see even with plain sadness Neymar still manages to look so pained. Neymar had a habit of always making his emotions huge.

If he's happy? Smiles and laughter as he jumps all over the place. 

If he's upset? Yelling and letting his feelings be known. 

If he's sad? He's crying to the point where you see him covering his face. 

His emotions were always so big in such an artistic way. It made Kylian almost envious of how easy Neymar made himself known. Then again Neymar never second guessed himself. Always going with what his gut says. Some would say that's how Neymar ended up in a number 10 PSG kit. Others would say that's how he ended up so hated. Kylian would say if ever asked that's why he loves the man so greatly. 

Anyone can spend time and pain over a situation. But it takes Neymar one second to know his choice and snatch it. Anyone can tell you that much about Neymar. It's what makes Neymar himself. Keeping to himself was never. Neymar thing. 

So I guess Kylian wasn't surprised when he saw Neymar kick his ball almost hitting Gigi in the face. Neymar was obviously angry now changing emotions quickly. Gigi seemed pretty upset at first as he approached the man but instead Neymar stormed off. A scene it was with a few players frowning and others shaking their head. 

They had no judgment as we all know all too well what happens to Neymar. What everyone says to Neymar no matter how good he is. But even with all this love and support they couldn't let Neymar go on like this. Kylian couldn't let Neymar go on like this. He ran right after him with a quickly apology thrown at Gigi as he speed right past him. Thomas didn't even bother to stop him as he finally approached the locker room. 

With a yank of the door he witnessed Neymar shirtless and pacing all around the room. Except now fat drops of tears roll down his cheeks. He took one look of Kylian and looked away almost ashamed. Never a Neymar thing to do. 

Kylian walked up and slid himself behind Neymar capturing him in a hug. He placed his face on Neymar's shoulder as he heard the short quick sobs. Now so loud he's surprised everyone outside can't hear. They echo in Kylian's ears and he hums softly. Almost like a pitiful song between the two. It was such a contrast with Neymar's pained sobs and Kylian's soft hums. It lasted like that for a while as Kylian held the other man. Even offering to place a kiss or two on his neck. Neymar didn't pull away seeming to like his touch more than loneliness. 

" you're not going to understand"   
Neymar finally mutters breaking the silence as his sobs have finally turned to sniffes. He looks almost too much like a child for a minute Kylian forgets he's the older one. He remembers one time someone had told them that Neymar will be his Messi as Messi had done for Neymar. 

But that's something they can never have for what they have to much deeper. Kylian knows and feels it, he doesn't want Neymar to always have a brave face aroumd him. He craves so much more than a cardboard friendship. He craves leaning on each other in harsh times. He craves the long touches. He craves more than what he can have. But it doesn't matter in the end. Because against everything he's here with Neymar. 

And somehow Neymar telling him he won't understand doesn't hurt. Because that gives Kylian just enough information to know that he's at least somewhat cracked Neymar. And it's then that Kylian realized. Maybe just maybe Neymar isn't the simple minded Brazilian everyone thinks he is. Maybe.


	9. Things you wish I had told you

Things started as it normally was on a Saturday. Kylian under Neymar's arm, nothing sexual but at the same time nothing innocent either. It almost felt like a decent middle at times leaning towards one side more than the other. That's just how it worked for the two, they never did anything sexual. Except for that one time after Kylian's 20th birthday. But it seemed like a failure so they kept it as it is with nothing sexual in nature. 

Neymar is always nice and cheerful to everyone and anyone. Its hard to see when you're special to Neymar because he treats everyone like the best person he has ever seen. Kylian saw the best and worst out of Neymar even with his quirks and traits. They're first season was clumsy and had hidden glances mixed into it. Not quite knowing where both of them stood in each other eyes. Although Neymar being years older than Kylian they had similar taste in personality, football and humor. Both being brought as early footballers having their twenty's replaced by running in pitches instead of home parties. 

They we're too oddly similar in an almost eerily way. As if God was telling them 

" there that's someone you're gonna want in life." 

And it did take till the next season but they did click. They started messaging each other in broken English with french and Portuguese mixed in. Both got weird looks when they mixed all three languages in but it didn't seem to matter because the other got it. Even through language barriors they managed to connect so well. And it doesn't even end there, they start to hang out outside of games and practices too. They go over to each other's houses and basically live there with the other. The stew of friendship is sealed when Neymar scores a goal one game and all his eyes search for is Kylian. 

They're friendship consists of kisses and hugs but nothing more than that. They both seemed to love each other enough to know not to push the boundary yet. Perhaps its too early or he's too young or maybe that Neymar isn't quite ready yet. It doesn't matter because at the moment what they have is good enough for Kylian.

Nobody really questioned it so neither did Kylian or Neymar. They had a billion eyes on them every step they took so it wasn't as if they had time to question things. But today they did, they finally had the space to somewhat breath. Nobody quite tells you how suffocating football can be especially at 20 years old. It wasn't as if he felt any different then he had felt months earlier. He was still just a kid walking into an adult situation. 

He still felt like the same fifteen year old not quite sure what he was doing yet knowing he was gonna be something great. He wants to be something great even now he doesn't think he's fully achieved it yet. He knows he can do better but the world can wait for him. As for now he's suited to just being in his best friends arms. Even for just the morning its enough for him. 

There was so much to find out about himself and about Neymar. And yet Kylian had a feeling the world can wait for that too. 

" You're thinking a lot"  
Neymar mumbled quietly still half asleep in his own little world. His eyes flashed open and just as quickly went shut. Almost as if he was trying to treasure his sleep for a bit longer. That's such a Neymar thing to do after all. 

A Neymar thing. 

He has gotten used to Neymar so much to know just how Neymar is. To think years ago he was dreaming of knowing Neymar. And now he plays with Neymar and gets to sleep in the same bed as him. How did he get so blessed to have this? And to have someone know him this well. 

He turned to look into Neymar's eyes and he can admit that he didn't look his best. With Neymar's hair covered by a cap even with his assisting that he wouldn't laugh. His clothes was ruffled and stained from the night before. He could Even still smell a hint of alcohol on Neymar. And yet when Neymar grinned up at him it didn't matter.

Love didn't have to be perfect at that moment it just had to be enough to get Neymar to smile like that again.


	10. Things you said when it was all over

Neymar didn't need to check the headlines to know. He didn't have to turn on the tv or radio to know either. He didn't answer calls or any text messages. He didn't show up for training or that game. He didn't leave his house for a few days.

He didn't feel alive that whole week. 

Its karma some would say with merciless anger on their lips. Once knowing Neymar with Spanish in his veins now glad to see the other man feeling the same pain they once felt- no feel. Others would say it's just how life goes they have nothing but pity on their lips. Next others would say he's better off and they have greed on their lips. 

They don't matter. 

Not when he feels nothing and everything at the same time. Its never been like this and yet here he is. He wonders when he'll show up and finally kill him. He wonders when he'll show up and the tenseness will leave his room. 

He comes tumbling into his room one day, maybe a week later or a few days. He doesn't quite know, he doesn't keep up with the dates after he called Tuchel that he needed a break. His eyes are full of light but carefully switch to something more fitted for the occasion. His eyes are set to tell Neymar what's going to happen next. Its a show, because he doesn't need Neymar anymore. That part of his life is gone and over with. 

For a minute he can't help wonder what went wrong? 

" I'm sorry"  
He says simply as he reaches for Neymar, anything to prove he's not upset but that's selfish for him to think and for Neymar to feel. How could he be so upset when he's living his dream? Everything he ever wants is going to be there in a few days. All it takes is a stereotypical angsty break up and a all too sweet plane ticket. Still Neymar can't produce anything but hurt in his eyes. The other man can only hopefully stare at him. 

Hoping he'll accept his choices and hoping that they'll still be able to talk with only half his hurt hurting. Hoping he can still save whatever this is. Neymar knows too well the last thing is a lie. For the other man is too young young to know just how much he loves Neymar and vice versa. 

He's young enough to think that everything will fix itself. For a minute Neymar can even see himself in those big eyes starring at him for pity. For a spilt second he can see the same boy moving to Barca. It makes him sick. 

" No you're not"  
Neymar replied finally his eyes quickly looking away from the other man. Almost scared of the reaction he'll get from him. Except he knows, he knows him all too well. Sharing beds and a field can tie such a big bond with someone after all. Especially after years of it, they've been through everything and anything. What they have could make anyone jealous. Jealous of someone who knows them that well as Neymar does of him.

He wonders if they're still jealous of him right now. He hasn't felt enough to know yet. 

The other man keeps starring at him and finally takes a seat next to him in their no, Neymar's bed. The other man hadn't spent a day on that bed since last month. Doing what? Neymar wasn't sure. He doesn't ask and he probably never will. For the other man had known for a while it would never last what they have. Even the promised statements and late night kisses had lied to him. After all love is suppose to hurt? Isn't it? In the end it'll always end in hurt even if it's with your soul mate. Too bad it's taken him this long to figure it all out. 

He wonders when the other man had figured that out. When he had figured out that he could leave whenever he wanted. That he could make a name of himself with out Neymar. That he could go on to live without Neymar. Twenty-three and still knows more then Neymar at thirty. Such a pitiful number to remember when he too was once twenty-three. For when Neymar was twenty-three he was a young boy looking for love in all the wrong places. Silly man looking for love in the wrong places again and expecting any different. Silly boy. So love struck to not cover his heart. 

" You're not sorry"  
Neymar finally says and he can't recognize his voice. It sounds raw and hopeless and he can see the other man look startled as he looked back at Neymar. Almost as if he expecting to leave without a word from Neymar. As if Neymar would let him leave without some words. He's angry and upset but he'd never let the other man leave without one last talk. He's upset right now and he doesn't want to do anything he'll regret later. 

The other man debates agreeing or disagreeing with him. Neymar sees it in his eyes and for once it doesn't make him smile. The same eyes that would usually look like that when debating which ice cream flavour he wanted. The same eyes that would either lie or tell him the truth one last time. Good thing for the both of them is that the other man has never been able to lie. Not when he was 10 stealing cookies to being 23 and having to admit whom he has picked. 

Love dies at one point. Nothing likes to recognize it or acknowledge it but it does. The flame dies and suddenly you don't see the same person you once saw. Maybe you even changed yourself but it dies. It all dies. 

" Yeah" 

He remembers the first time he meant him, one his first day of practice for PSG while everyone seemed to be acting cool he was different. He looked like he was meeting a superhero when he saw Neymar. Almost tackling him to the ground to get a close look at him. 

Where had that love gone? 

" When are you leaving?" 

He doesn't beg him to stay, not like when someone once begged Neymar himself to stay. He can't force anyone to stay it just makes everyone miserable. He doesn't want that for the other man. He's never wanted the other man hurt even if he had to hurt. He'd rather see him smiling after All that's all he's ever wanted. 

" Tomorrow" 

Five years can change so much, he notices the other man golden ring around his finger and he can feel his heart burning. He moves a bit to the side of the bed where he would usually lay and he pats the spot.

" Stay, one last time, stay with me." 

" Okay" 

 

When Neymar woke up at three pm he looks around not feeling warmth. Nothing, gone just like that he went from having everything to nothing. How'd he go from the first time to the last time? 

He stays in bed for the rest of the day. Nobody calls. When he finally does get up he spots the golden ring on his desk. 

Love died.


End file.
